Geroge Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, those closest to death should be seated closest to the bathroom.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Frisbeetarism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then I realized, they're cramming for the final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help books were. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just because the monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Well if crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When you step on the brake your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you get a front-row seat.