Batch 2

When life gives you lemons, hand them back.
- Aaron Dickson

"You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
"I'm allergic to citrus."
"You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, swell up and die!"
- Scott Adams in the comic strip Dilbert

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.
- Billy Bob Thorton

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

The report of my death was an exaggeration.
- Mark Twain

Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
- Terry Pratchett

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
- Douglas Adams

Really?
- Austin Moss

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist and will exist beyond the end of time. Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?
- Scott Roeben

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is in the middle of a game of charades... or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first.
- Oscar Levant