Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude."
"Dude, these are isotopes."
"Dude, we removed your kidney. You're going to be fine."
"Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies."

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means every thing. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "it's a boy."

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh? What the [heck] is this?" But if it's in a fruit basket your like, "This is nice!"

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle with 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it it says, Go Outside.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick his [butt]. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

A drunk driver is dangerous. But so is a drunk backseat driver if they're persuasive. "Dude, take a left here." "Those are trees..." "Trust me."

I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying "I'm standing right behind you."

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.