Stephen Wright

I talk to myself a lot. It bothers people because I use a megaphone.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The hardness is proportional to the softness of the bread.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Batch 6

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast in the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.
- Ellen Degeneres

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn it" is not God's last name.
- Philadelphia construction wall, 1969

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy

It matters not whether you win or lose, it matters whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober."

Batch 4

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
- Tim Allen

You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
- Rowan Atkinson

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Jim Carrey

Maybe there is no place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breath through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
- Jim Carrey

Geroge Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, those closest to death should be seated closest to the bathroom.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Frisbeetarism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then I realized, they're cramming for the final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help books were. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just because the monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Well if crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When you step on the brake your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America you get a front-row seat.

Demetri Martin II

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "If you need anything, I'm Jill." I've never met someone with a conditional identity before.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I love women, but I feel like I can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, "Does he bite?" She said no. And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? Liar."

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "what's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "what's your favorite color... person?"

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

Demetri Martin

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word "dude."
"Dude, these are isotopes."
"Dude, we removed your kidney. You're going to be fine."
"Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies."

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means every thing. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "it's a boy."

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh? What the [heck] is this?" But if it's in a fruit basket your like, "This is nice!"

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle with 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it it says, Go Outside.

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick his [butt]. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

A drunk driver is dangerous. But so is a drunk backseat driver if they're persuasive. "Dude, take a left here." "Those are trees..." "Trust me."

I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying "I'm standing right behind you."

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

Batch 3

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
- Mark Twain, attributed

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out one day and I looked at her and thought, "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
- Benny Hill

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes.
- Author Unknown

Thank Heaven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
- A.P. Herbert

Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.
- Drew Sitors

A morning without coffee is like sleep.
- Author Unknown

Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.
- Author Unknown

Deja Brew - the feeling that you've had this coffee before.
- Author Unknown

If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
- Nan Porter

Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit which will cause the most inconvenience.
- Pam Brown

Batch 2

When life gives you lemons, hand them back.
- Aaron Dickson

"You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade."
"I'm allergic to citrus."
"You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, swell up and die!"
- Scott Adams in the comic strip Dilbert

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists.
- Billy Bob Thorton

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

The report of my death was an exaggeration.
- Mark Twain

Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
- Terry Pratchett

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
- Douglas Adams

Really?
- Austin Moss

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist and will exist beyond the end of time. Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?
- Scott Roeben

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is in the middle of a game of charades... or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin

A pun is the lowest form of humor - when you don't think of it first.
- Oscar Levant

Terry Pratchet

The sun filtered through the trees like molten gold, well not exactly like molten gold. Trees weren't bursting into flame, people weren't becoming incredibly rich and extremely dead, and water wasn't flashing into steam. So a better metaphor might be not like molten gold.
- Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Old person monologue:
You don't get proper fill-in-nouns these days - remember old 'nickname' ancient-person-who-died-fifty-years-ago-who-you-couldn't-possibly-be-able-to-remember? Now there was a chap who knew his fill-in-nouns.
- Terry Pratchet, The Last Continent, paraphrased.

On age and aging...

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
- Doug Larson

Getting older is mainly the process of not understanding what the bloody fuss is about the iPhone.
- Austin Moss

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
- Chili Davis